Monday, December 31, 2012

Newness

I'm struggling a bit with focusing on creating the new when I still feel so bound by the old.
Diego Rivera's "Germination"
While I don't think it's necessary to have a new year to begin anew, it does help.  But being a full time student means my new year feels like it starts in September.  So I'm smack dab in the middle of my year - my first as an over-aged PhD student.

Most of the time, I find myself wondering what I'm doing.  Not with the course work.  That, I've got down and except for the end of semester rush to write papers, the work is not overly challenging.  But there's this sense of hoop-jumping.  Nothing in academe is ever done simply.  Easily.  In one step or process.  Nothing.  And because I straddle two disciplines (History and Gender/Women's Studies), I serve two masters.  For someone who loves simplicity as much as I do, this is a challenge.
Aloe spiral
And then, there's the fear.  Fear that I've gone into LOTS of debt.  Fear that I'll never pay off all those loans.  Fear that I won't find a job.  Fear that I'm going to live below the poverty level forever.  Fear.  Overwhelming, paralyzing fear.

I want to feel like this:
Tile from my backyard.  A long ago thrift store find.
I want to be celebrating the gift of my education.  Enjoying the learning process.  Loving to teach. Happy with my home and my beadwork and my friends and family.

But most of the time, lately, I feel like this:
I think it's time to figure out what my fear has to teach me.

4 comments:

  1. I am so in awe of your bravery for following your passion and your dreams, particularly as a "grown up". May 2013 (or the second half of AY2012-13) bring you continued joy of learning and discovery, reaffirmation of the path you've chosen, and much less time feeling like that poor cat in the photo!

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